Friday, January 1, 2010

Hogwarts Community College - By Aaron Ishmael

I hate this school. I hate this school. I hate this school.

Xavier Lovegood-Reyes walked into his first class of the morning. His messenger bag - filled with overpriced spell books - slung over his arm as he dreaded another day at Hogwarts Community College.

The Professor was late as Xavier slumped in his seat in the back of the classroom. The cramped, city-funded lecture hall was alive with activity. Xavier’s eyes surveyed his not-so-studious classmates sleeping, chatting with friends hovering lazily on broomsticks, texting, bewitching paper planes that zoomed in and around the hall. A pair of Goblin Exchange Students sat in the front, surfing on their laptops, reading investment banking articles: Enron, Lehman Brothers, Bear Stearns: How Muggles Can’t Handle Money. Xavier ducked as an origami paper-made dragon cut over his head and chased the other aerial enchantments, breathing fire and flapping its thin, paper wings, torching a plane till it crashed and burned on a Ghost/student’s desk, who neither woke up from his nap nor felt burning paper pierce right through his transparent head. Next to Gary the Ghost, a brunette with glasses sat punctually in her seat, her hand cradled in her chin as she slept softly, yet the magical glasses showed her eyes wide awake and looking studious, blinking at random intervals – a clever object one could find at

Straight across, a cluster of curious, gitty students huddled around one guy opening a dirty magazine, pictures of various witches & banshees moving on the pages, gyrating in promiscuous positions. The gleaming guys talked altogether in hushed, yet audible tones. 

“Yo, where’d you get that? Lemme borrow it.”
“Nah, nah, I asked first. Jamal, quit being a filthy little mud-blood bitch.”
“I’d like to explore her forbidden forest.”
“Don’t think you’re wand is big enough mate.”
“Ooooo burnnnn…”

Just then a tall, lanky, green-eyed blond man in his 40s entered the room in a spiffy suit, looking at his timepiece and walking briskly to the front, clearly out of breath. His briefcase and overcoat peeled off his body, floating over to the wall hooks to hang themselves.

“Sorry I’m late.” He paused, observing the class. “Not like any of you bothered to notice really...”

The class, of course, paid no mind to the Professor and continued chatting, flying their paper planes and dozing off.

“Alright, settle down class, settle down...”

Conversations continued as laughter bursted in the far corner of the room where a young witch was busy enchanting an immovable Hex Me sign on the back of a short, stubby classmate, who was trying desperately to shake it off.

The Professor was growing irritable. “I’m in no mood, let’s settle-” 

The talking and bewitched-horseplay grew louder. One woman chewing Zonko-patented gum blew a bubble that sent her lifting right off her seat. As she hovered a few feet in the air, her mouth holding onto the end with an accomplished smile, a sprinkle of boys’ eyes were getting ready to see up her skirt, just when an enflamed paper plane happened to collide into the strawberry-flavored gum bubble, sending her smacked into the cold hard chair – the guys groaning with sudden disappointment.

Fed up, Professor Malfoy pulled out his wand and pointed it to his throat, magically amplifying his voice.

“SETTLE DOWN!” he boomed, shaking the eardrums of every student.

In a matter of moments, the talking ceased, broomsticks hovered slowly to the floor and students returned to their desks. The paper planes scurried in the corners, as even the paper dragon itself enflamed his own body and vanished into ashes from the Professor’s fuming glare. 

“C’mon, let’s go.” sneered Professor Malfoy. “I don’t want to be here just as much as you do.”

He started to write History of Magic 101 on the board, but halfway stopped to rub his temple from a migraine he seemed to be developing. The chalk, of course, continued to write. The blackboard eraser floated up behind the chalk, eyeballing for mistakes.

“Only in this poor excuse for an institution,” groaned the Professor, rubbing his temple again, “would some idiot park their Nimbus 8000 in my space this morning and have me hike clear across the lot today.”

A young wizard in doo-rag and jeans snickered as he gave a pound to another wizard, who apparently had done the mischievous deed. Wait till Professor Malfoy finds out what we did to HIS broomstick.

Unaware – and slightly stressed very early in the morning – Professor Malfoy hovered his wand over a tiny cauldron on his desk, which began to stir itself and brew the Professor much needed coffee.

“Ay yo, you making a cup for me too, right? Two sugars & milk, with a hint of dragon-caffeine .” said a thickly-looking boy, the students next to him also taking their requests.

Professor Malfoy ignored them all. He was not in the mood for backtalk and games.

“You looking mad tired today Professor.” observed Shaniqua, a voluptuous witch sitting near the front, charming her fingernails to fade into different colors. “You should cancel class cause I gotta go home and beat my House-Elf. I gotz priorities.”

“Yeah, I agree.” said Gary the Ghost, sounding tired. “I feel rather dead today.”

Next to Gary, the sleeping brunette with magical glasses continued to sleep unnoticed, the eyes projected on the lenses still blinking unsuspectingly.

“No one is canceling class.” said Professor Malfoy sternly. “If I have to suffer, so do all of you.”

“Don’t worry Teach, I got you.” spoke a young man near the window. “Just say the word and I can find you the best coffee place, have them make you a kick ass latte, then have them ship you one right here, right now. And I can tell you what the weather will be like tomorrow in case you want that too.”

“Oh really Jamal?” replied Professor Malfoy with little excitement. “And you expect to do all that with your wand? A spellbook?”

“Nah nah.” he replied, pulling out a device. “I expect to do all that with my iPhone.”

The Professor rolled his eyes.

“Anyway class, welcome again to another exciting morning lecture. I take it you all finished your 13-inch essay on the Rise & Fall of Salazar Slytherin?”

A farting spell was muttered and executed under a Goblin Exchange Student’s desk. A scatter of students chuckled. Professor Malfoy failed to crack to smile.

“I take that as a ‘no’ then...Merlin’s Beard, what exactly do you kids do when you go home anyway?”

“Yo esto yendo a tu casa para hacer tu madre!” a student in the back called out quickly. [I go home and do your momma!] Xavier Lovegood-Reyes – also fluent in Spanish, from his father’s side  - couldn’t help but partake in the stifled laughter.

“That better be practiced parsel-tongue back there.” warned the Professor, unable to translate Spanish, but trying to regain control in this unruly classroom.

As the lecture went on, Professor Malfoy seemed to be talking to himself most of the time, the students feigning interest. Twenty minutes into the boring lecture, the rest of the class was struggling to stay conscious. One particular, disturbed-looking kid, whom went by the name Avery and immediately recognized by a Banshee-Scar running across his face, was keeping himself amused by quietly pestering another student in front of him, Greyback III. Greyback III, who – to Avery’s knowledge - happened to be a half-bred werewolf and was busily taking notes on the Professor’s discussion on the historical significance of Azkaban & its Muggle Implications.

Avery cast his wand quietly and emulated moonlight from its tip, aiming it like a laser beam as it doodled on Greyback III’s neck and back. In an instant, uncontrollable fur started to sprout. Avery had almost artistically wrote SHAVE ME on him when Greyback III soon noticed and snapped his neck back in rage.

“You got a problem?” he grunted. The other students gaze started to wander toward him.

“Oh no no,” Avery answered coolly. He wasn’t the least bit scared of Greyback III. “I just thought they usually check pets at the door in this school.”
Greyback III got up, clearly angry, gripped to ends of Avery’s desk and beared his teeth. “You wanna say that again? Or do you want me to give you another scar on your face? Your choice.” The Professor’s lecture ceased as the other students turned around.
Avery also got up, looking at him straight in the face. “How about you sit back down? Before I embarrass you.”

Everyone around them slowly backed away, seeing a duel about to start.

“How about I make you into my second Hocrux? Yo momma is gonna be my first!”
“Well yo momma is everyones first. That bitch been on top more men than a Sorting Hat!”

Clenched with rage, Greyback III took out his wand and reacted.

Expecto Patronus!” A hamster materialized and started charging Avery, screeching with all of its fury. Avery hopped over it and returned the incantation.

Avada Kedavra!”

But before he could finish, “Expelliarmus!” echoed in their ears as both their wands flew out of their hands, disarming them both.

The Professor, casual walking towards the boys, sighed once more as he flicked his wand-filled hand. “Levicorpus” he said in a drawl, dangling the children upside down as if this was a daily ritual.

Throughout the commotion, the sleeping brunette with magical glasses continued to sleep unnoticed.

In moments, half-giant security guards apparated into the classroom, grabbing each delinquent by their arm forcefully and quickly apparating just as they came in.

Xavier shook his head at the childishness he had to endure every so often at Hogwarts Community College. I hate this school. I hate this school.

Professor Malfoy adjusted himself and took hold of the classroom once again. “As for the rest of you, we shall have no further cursing, hexing or jinxes of any kind. We’re all adult wizards here. Let’s learn to act like one, shall we?”

As he went back to his lecture, a large, rugged, Russian-looking man loomed in the doorway.

“X’cuse, but iz dere ‘Scorpius Malfoy’ in klass?”

Professor Malfoy turned to see the Community College custodian, Vladavix Filch in the doorway. Sighing at yet another interruption, he excused himself and went to query the source of this disruption. Xavier was within earshot as he continued to gaze at the custodian’s odd appearance.

Vladavix Filch was a heavy-set man with a heavy accent and heavier physique, rippling biceps complete with a broad chest – all exposed. Half-naked as he was, Vladavix looked as if he took his job very seriously. His entire chest and arms were magically tattooed with an elaborate ‘Maurauder’s Map’ of the entire H.C.C. campus. You could see almost every person milling about by the little dots wandering around like insects on his body. Between periods, when students go from class to class, Vladavix’s body almost looked like tiny ants attacking him, scattering about wildly. 

Right near his abdomen, Xavier saw four dots appear in Headmaster Longbottom’s office. The two security guards and the kids that were dueling, Avery & Greyback III.

“Can I help you?” inquired the Professor, keeping breathing distance away from Vladavix.

“Ah! I am sorry Professor, I come bearin’ knews that iz most unpleasant.”

Vladavix opened his palm to reveal the Professor’s broomstick, which had been shrunken by unknown vandals. (Two boys in the room saw the Professor’s reaction and high-fived themselves at their successful prank.) Vladavix mistook Xavier’s quiet gaze for eavesdropping and flicked his wand between himself and Scorpius. Instantly, their voices were inaudible to everyone else within a whispering distance – except, of course, for the two men having the conversation. 

Scorpius’ thoughts clearly had a mind of their own. He wondered if the vandalization had any connection with his current ex-wife, Rose. She had been most bitterly immature since their recent divorce. It had a been a shame really, Scorpius just happened to regain a friendship with her brother, Hugo, who happened to be his first childhood friend back at the Hogwarts Academy many years ago.
Seconds after Vladavix departed, Professor Malfoy brought himself back into reality and stormed off to the front of the classroom again. He was very pissed, clutching his pint-sized broomstick in his hand. I hate this school. I hate this school.

With the mixture of his divorce, his broomstick and the unruly classroom that shackled him to this hellhole everyday, he couldn’t contain his anger anymore. He needed an outlet. With his wand, he declared ‘POP QUIZ!’ in the room and magically cleared all the desks, apparating the pop quiz and a quill in front of each groaning student.

“No cheating, no Liquid Luck, no Extendable Ears, & no foreign languages of any kind. I swear, if I hear an ounce of Hindi in the room, I’ll carve a permanent lightning bolt on your foreheads!” Eager to torture these kids now, Professor Malfoy slipped on the faculty invisibility cloak.

“Quiz has started…NOW!” He vanished and began patrolling the room. As Xavier Lovegood-Reyes took the unexpected quiz, which he was clearly not ready for, he heard Professor Malfoy’s voice wafting around, barking at various students.

“Please keep your eyes on your own paper Gary.”
“That means you too Shaniqua!”
“Don’t make me separate you two Goblins. I can fail & deport you, just like that!”

Xavier glanced down at the quiz. He had no idea what the answers were to some of these questions:  

Question #5 - Albus Dumbledore was once in love with what great wizard?

A) Broom-Hilda
B) Wicked Witch of the West
Gellert Grindelwald
D) Sabrina the Teenaged Witch

Huh? Oh how Xavier wished he cracked open his history book more often. His palms started to sweat, his heart racing, as he scanned every other question, not definitely sure of any of these answers:  

Question #10 - Who defeated the Dark Lord – He-Who-USED-To-Not-Be-Named – Lord Voldemort at the final battle within the very walls of Hogwarts Academy?

A) Gandalf the Grey
B) Harry James Potter
C) Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
D) J.K. Rowling.

I don’t know this. I’m never gonna even use this later in life! Why does he even bother teaching this crap?

“Times up! Quills down!” Professor Malfoy uncovered his scowling face, his floating head surveying the class, delighted in their test-anxiety panic. He was in the mood to failing snot-nosed children today.

In pure instinct, Xavier started filling in various answers, hoping for fate alone to get him out of this. However, the quill suddenly stopped writing. Just then, Xavier noticed that other kids were doing the same and their quills stopped writing too.

“No use writing anymore. Time’s up means ‘times up!’ Even your quills know that.” Professor Malfoy levitated all the quizzes out of their hands and began piling them on his own desk.

The bell rung. Xavier Lovegood-Reyes gave a tired aggravating sigh, blindsided by a pop quiz and stuck with a horrible teacher for the rest of the semester. He and the rest of the students packed up their belongings, grumbling and mumbling to their next class.

I hate this school. I hate this school. I hate this school.

After Professor Malfoy had left soon after, the sleeping brunette with magical glasses remained and continued to sleep unnoticed. Thirty minutes later, she woke up and yawned, seeing no one in the empty classroom.

Guess we had no lecture today, she thought to herself.
She shrugged and stretched, feeling delightedly refreshed from her nap. She leisurely packed up her belongings and walked happily out of the room.

I like this school.